Your heart was already full, but then you saw him and your heart beat code, not Morse but a more insistent pulse: Oh yes. That’s him. That one.
Not The One (The One you already have – and deeply love) but of all the people in that large room far from home, he was the one for you. And your heart stretched more than it should have, tore a little, and let him in.
Symptoms
- Swelling, bruising, or redness. The feeling that your lungs contain a higher percentage of oxygen and have somehow grown in their capacity to respire. A heightened sensitivity to glances, postures, gestures, attitudes, and casual remarks from observers. A propensity to blush.
- Pain at rest. General restlessness. An inability to sleep. Fever dreams. Sleepwalking. Conscious walking: out of your bedroom, out of doors, into the moonlight or an unmown field shrouded in mist and ache (or fantasies of same).
- Pain when the specific muscle is used. When your heart beats to force blood through your femoral arteries, to your iliopsoas muscles, your sartorious muscles, your peroneus muscles, each expanding and contracting to force your legs to walk away, from him, from thrill, from all the promise and potential of an alternate future.
- Inability to use the muscle at all. Lethargy. Apathy. Malaise. Especially after having walked away from the one in question.
Self-Care
- Apply ice: cool it. The early application of heat can increase swelling and pain. [Note: Ice or heat should not be applied to bare skin. Always use a protective layer – latex only as a very last resort, clothing is better, or, better still, several feet, a separate piece of furniture, a wall, or a building. Ideally: a state line, a continent.]
- Try an anti-inflammatory such as herbal tea or a pro/con list. Cool showers and brisk walks in bracing air may help. Do not take depressants in the form of alcohol or otherwise. Avoid stimulants: caffeine, chocolate, Cheetos.
- Protect the strained muscle from further injury by refusing to jump into anything. Avoid the activities that caused the strain and other activities that are painful.
- Hold yourself together.
- Rise above.
When to Seek Care
If home remedies bring no relief in 24 hours, call your youngest and most bohemian friend.
If you hear a “popping” sound, signifying a break from your primary relationship, the one (The One) you truly know and truly love, call your closest and most-trusted friend.
Exams and Tests
Your youngest and most bohemian friend asks,
Are you going to run away together, tryst in motels, meet up in Paris, open a P.O. box, wear a trench coat, give each other code names, assume another identity?
Would he be up for a threesome?
Want to use my place?
Says, It’s so romantic.
Says, Tell me everything!
Your closest and most-trusted friend asks,
What do you mean, “met someone”?
Have you thought this through?
Is this choice supporting, adding to, enriching, complicating, marring, degrading, not even leaving a blip on the screen in the way in which you will see your life in the years to come?
What will you be left with? Regret? Memory? Or absolutely nothing?
Says, Time wounds all heels.
Says, Don’t fuck up.
Recommended Reading
- Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
- The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller
- Time Will Darken It by William Maxwell
- The Lone Pilgrim by Laurie Colwin
- Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
- “The Littoral Zone” by Andrea Barrett
- The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
No horoscopes. No tarot cards or tea leaves. If you must, you may steep yourself in stories of passion and price. Years from now you can indulge in what-ifs. But for now, right now, put your hand to your chest and feel what beats. The only muscle you can’t live without needs to stay whole.
__
Randon Billings Noble is an essayist. Her work has appeared in or is forthcoming from the Modern Love column of The New York Times; The Massachusetts Review; Brain, Child; The Georgia Review; The Rumpus; Shenandoah; Fourth Genre and elsewhere. She is a nonfiction reader for r.kv.r.y quarterly and Reviews Editor at PANK.
Photography by Laura Frantz
37 comments
Elaine Orr says:
Jan 20, 2015
Fantastic Randon. I love this. And I’m teaching it today in my class at N.C. State.
Mary Akers says:
Jan 20, 2015
Wonderful!
Sandra Gail Lambert says:
Jan 20, 2015
When I reached the reading list, I laughed with delight. Of course, a reading list.
Nina Lichtenstein says:
Jan 20, 2015
Refreshing!
“The Heart as a Torn Muscle” is up at Brevity! | Randon Billings Noble says:
Jan 20, 2015
[…] said, here is “The Heart as a Torn Muscle,” published today by the magnificent Brevity: A Journal of Concise Literary […]
Leslie P. says:
Jan 20, 2015
Love this! The last line made me gasp. Really wonderful writing.
Sandell Morse says:
Jan 20, 2015
Smart and sad and funny. I love this essay.
Lauren Rader says:
Jan 20, 2015
Beautiful. and True.
Thank you.
felicity says:
Jan 21, 2015
This was AWESOME. Funny, beautiful, true, and moving. Love love love!
Daphne says:
Jan 21, 2015
I put my whole hand over my heart after I read this. Thank you.
Nina Gaby says:
Jan 22, 2015
I can’t breath from this. My head just exploded a little. Going to put a compress on myself.
Claudia Putnam says:
Jan 23, 2015
Also The French Lieutenant’s Woman and The English Patient…
Sarah McKeever says:
Jan 24, 2015
What a fun new way to look at an age-old problem!! Great idea, great execution. The book list was amazing.
Henry K says:
Jan 26, 2015
This is amazingly expressive. Absolutely loved it.
Aaron says:
Jan 28, 2015
Incredible. It leaves you with a sense of yearning. It makes me think of “the one that got away,” and how she never really goes away.
Heather says:
Feb 2, 2015
This was beautiful and so witty- loved it very very much!
Tanya says:
Feb 2, 2015
This is lovely, funny, poignant, a little heart rending. This is my favorite line:
Try an anti-inflammatory such as herbal tea or a pro/con list.
Linda says:
Feb 10, 2015
Oh, my, what’s not to like? Such an original, wise, and funny way to conceptualize this age-old scenario. What a g grownup you are, Randon!
Lois says:
Mar 5, 2015
Brilliant! Hope to hear more from this gifted writer.
Nicole says:
Mar 11, 2015
Such gorgeous writing. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
The Writer’s Bloc reviews Brevity | Randon Billings Noble says:
Mar 30, 2015
[…] Katelin Farnsworth of The Writers Bloc reviewed issue 48 of Brevity — the issue that includes my essay “The Heart as a Torn Muscle.” […]
Out of Bounds: The Origin of An Essay | BREVITY's Nonfiction Blog says:
Apr 6, 2015
[…] And I am perpetually happily grateful I did. Even when writing – or living – a piece like “The Heart as a Torn Muscle.” Here’s a bit about how it came to […]
Emily Rich says:
Apr 6, 2015
I loved this Randon! Made me smile and feel wistful all at once
Daniel Riddle Rodriguez says:
Apr 7, 2015
“What will you be left with? Regret? Memory? Or absolutely nothing?”
…thank you.
Matching the Territory | Naive Reasoning says:
Apr 13, 2015
[…] Read The Heart as a Torn Muscle […]
Jade says:
Apr 27, 2015
This is incredible.
Hot Reads and Peggy Sue | Zouxzoux says:
May 3, 2015
[…] piece that I read in April that I just cannot get out of my head is “The Heart as a Torn Muscle” by Randon Billings Noble in Brevity Magazine. This piece was actually published in January but I just found it and I’m so glad I did. It’s […]
Digging Deep: Using Research in Creative Nonfiction panel at Conversations and Connections | Randon Billings Noble says:
May 5, 2015
[…] “The Heart as a Torn Muscle,” Brevity, Jan 2015 […]
How to Be An Explorer of the World | MARISSA LANDRIGAN says:
May 24, 2015
[…] Billings Noble’s “The Heart as a Torn Muscle,” and her essay on the origins of that piece in Brevity. Randon has also written about other […]
This is the Beauty of Winter - Kira Elliott says:
May 28, 2015
[…] The Heart As A Torn Muscle by Randon Billings Noble […]
Melpub says:
Jan 26, 2016
Well, I loved this. I thought also of a moment in Hannah and Her Sisters: “The heart–a resilient little muscle.”
Joan Sanusi says:
May 3, 2016
Absolutely stunning truth.
Tamara Yancosky Moore says:
May 5, 2016
This was a wonderful read! Thank you. I’d like to subscribe to your Blog.
Grace Gordan says:
May 7, 2016
OVERVIEW
You are happy at last, finally. He is the one you will marry. It’s right. Everything is right. Your future is secure. Until.
Until when? A most curious question which leads to another, “Should there be doubt?” Not ever. You have no doubt, just wonder, and so you decide to peak. You decide to spy. You begin to pry (just a little). Maybe you will find something about you in his emails? And your heart stretched more that it should have. What happened next left it shredded.
Symptoms
•Crushing pressure, pounding, or redness. Your lungs will feel desperate, strangled without air. You mouth will open to a gaping hole, which will be sucking in at the same time it is screaming. You will feel like you are strung up on a noose. You are holding yourself up from a hanging death by one toe. There is a plastic sack over your head while another hand grips your throat which is swelling from the inside out; anaphylactic shock.
•Agony at rest. If rest is possible. Agitation. Irritability. Hopelessness. Conscious walking: mute and numb, resolute and dumb. Out of your house, Never be his wife, into yet another brand new beginning when this one was never supposed to end. Minutes ago. Where did they go? Here comes that alternate life.
•Agony when the specific muscle is used. When your heart beats to force blood to limbs that have somehow gone severed, to atrophied muscle, to gangrene rot, to a body that is now a stump forced to walk away without working legs. Away from him, from love, from years and our kids together, from our pets, until our memories can’t be remembered anymore.
•Inability to use the muscle at all. Lethargy. Apathy. Malaise. Hate? Especially after finding what was found. The cheating would not happen with a her. His dick would go in him.
Self-Care
•Medicinal Marijuana: smoke it, eat it, both at once if need be. You will need to prepare yourself for a serious case of the munchies. We suggest Ben and Jerrys ice-cream and a bag of Cheetos, but you can always order pizza.
•Get a gym membership. NOW. As in quickly. You are going to want to stuff your face with food and when you do it’s going to go straight to your ass. You do not want to be a big, fat, slovenly moo cow. Trust me. You have a sex life to think about. You are now a sexy, hot, SINGLE?
•Protect the strained muscle from further injury by breaking up with your cheating boyfriend. Avoid all activities that could lead to forgiveness.
•Hold yourself together.
•Rise above.
When to Seek Care
You are thinking about forgiving him aren’t you… You can’t do it. You can’t let him go because he still is the same person that you fell in love with. He still makes you smile. He still makes you laugh and you laugh so hard that tears run down your legs with laundry needing to be done. He still treats you gently, fondly, sweetly, and with love. “I love you,” He says and you believe him.
SEEK IMMEDIATE CARE: Call your friends BEFORE you reconsider
Exams and Tests
Your youngest and most liberal friend asks,
Can’t you just go buy some toys? Do you really think he was going to cheat on you? Maybe he just didn’t know how to tell you wants sexually?
So does he just want anal stimulation or does he want to have sex with a man?
Don’t you think it’s kind of hot? No? Not even little? You could have a threesome. God that would be hot…
Wants to know, Did he like it!
Wants to know, Has he been with a man before?
Wants to know, Was he actually cheating?
Your closest and most-trusted friend asks,
What do you mean, “YOU ARE GOING TO STAY WITH HIM”?
Have you thought this through?
What about your kids? What will happen if he gives you some disease and you die? What will happen to them then?
What will you be left with if he leaves you for a man? Years wasted? For what?
Says, Get out now. I will help you pack.
Says, Damn you. Ok. I will be here to pick up the pieces.
Says, He really is a great guy.
Wants to know, Can I be a bridesmaid at your wedding?
Caroline says:
Jun 1, 2017
I always recommend this piece to friends and loved ones when they’re dealing with this specific brand of emotion. The piece itself was an integral part of my “recovery” from a very similar case. Thank you for this; I just wanted to let you know how many times I’ve read and thought about this piece of flash.
Aaron Morris says:
Sep 20, 2017
Literally brought the sensation of tears beginning to well up to my eyes when I read the end. Evocative and thoughtful. Thanks.
LeslieO says:
Jul 19, 2019
Loved this! Just ordered Randon’s collection of essays!