(spare time or full-time)*

Single, thirty-something woman seeks biological father. Must be: tall, 6’2’’ or above. A thick head of hair. Funny by accident—a lovable flop. Swedish descent, but English accent preferred. Royal blood a huge plus. Kind and gentle like Bob Ross. Suave, sophisticated, and street smart like Humphrey Bogart. Intellectual in a Carl Sagan kind of way. Speaks Mandarin. A pianist so gifted, Bill Evans would weep. Spiritual, but not religious—may consider Buddhism. Comes with: an architecturally appropriate house in the Swedish archipelago and a fully staffed dude ranch in Colorado. Pilot’s license. Private jets and helicopters required. No other kids. Wife is fine as long as she has a sense of humor and supports your new found obsession—me. The following excuses and only the following excuses are acceptable to explain lifelong absence: Saved Tibet. Aliens erased memory. Important: must love dogs.

*In the event Biological Father is found deceased, please kindly reprint ad copy below.

WANTED: Boyfriend

(spare or full-time)

Single, thirty-something woman seeks boyfriend to fill in the gaping, festering and impossible wound inflicted by paternal abandonment. Must possess an earnest willingness to embody the traits and characteristics of an unrealistic and wildly romanticized version of a biological father. You believe sports are for philistines, but you’re a huge fan of my incredible ability to cope with childhood trauma, which, when I remark, is with all the ease and grace of a dying pigeon, you will fervently refute, reminding me of my strength under extraordinary circumstances. My active participation in copious amount of meaningless sex with other men throughout our relationship will ignite in you a sense of healthy competition. My binge drinking is only a normal part of societal pressure to fit in. My unwarranted and uncontrollable fits of rage prove how passionate I am. In response to the pregnancies I aborted over the years, you offer me steadfast reassurance that my abortions were not, in fact, evidence of my inherent unworthiness and/or inability to mother myself, let alone a child. Nor were those choices crippling mistakes born of a fatherless monster. Rather, they were speed bumps on the road to healthy maturation and learning. Important: must love dogs.

Sarah Hanner is an artist and filmmaker living in Los Angeles and Berlin. She holds a master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology, with an emphasis in Consciousness, Health, and Healing and uses her knowledge of human behavior and her skills as a storyteller to create content across various mediums as a producer, creator and educator.

Photo by Paul Bilger